I got together with a few wonderful women for some girls talk, and we covered a bunch of topics. One topic that I really loved discussing and hearing the ladies’ opinions on was self-worth.

There was a time when I measured my worth by all the wrong things, from how much I was making to how well my relationships were going (or not). Then it was how full my calendar was, how impressive my business looked from the outside… all the wrong things basically.

Fifteen years of managing my studio and building a bunch of businesses. Multiple relationships that didn’t work out. Countless moments of questioning whether I was ‘enough’ until I realised that I can’t earn self-worth!

My Business Almost Broke Me

You want to know what’s funny? I wasn’t questioning my self-worth before I opened my dance studio in Central London. I thought success would add to my worth. I believed that if I just worked hard enough, built something beautiful enough, created enough magic in that space, it would only add to how I felt about myself. Sure I had minor insecurities like anyone else but everything became highlighted, especially when things do go as well as you hope.

When you first start a business, especially back in 2010, nobody told me about the weight of keeping it all together.

The staffing challenges that kept me awake at night. That crazy balance of being a leader, a mentor, a business owner, and trying to keep everyone happy while being happy myself and successful at the same time.

I was holding so much. Paying overheads that didn’t care if we had a good month or a bad one. Making sure my team got paid even when the numbers were tight. Smiling through classes while my mind raced through spreadsheets and worst-case scenarios.

Then the pandemic hit. And everything I’d built felt like it was crumbling in my hands. Trying to keep the doors open while the world shut down. Pivoting to online classes while still paying rent on an empty studio in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Watching other businesses around me start up with fresh ideas and fail just as quickly. The constant question: Am I next?

I remember standing in the empty studio during lockdown, looking at the mirrors that had reflected so much joy, so much transformation and failing to see the woman who had a vision to create a space where people could learn, grow, share and creatively express themselves.

And through all the stresses of business, I was nursing a broken heart. A heartbreak that left me questioning a lot. Not just about love, but about who I was. What I was doing. Whether any of it mattered.

The Heartbreaks That Taught Me Everything

Let’s talk about love for a second. I’ve had my share of relationships that didn’t work out. Some of them in the early years (before I knew myself) had me asking: What’s wrong with me?

Each relationship ended for its own reasons, and back then I used to attach the breakup to my self-worth. I was too much, I wasn’t enough… I’d analyse every text message, replay conversations looking for where I went wrong, and keep up with them on social media.

But you know what I wish I’d known sooner: Those relationships didn’t end because I wasn’t worthy of love. They ended because they weren’t the right fit!

My breakup 6 years ago was different, though. Not because it hurt more or less than others, but because I finally stopped making it about my value as a person. I sat with the pain. I grieved what could have been. And then I did something radical: I chose to see myself the way I wanted to be seen.

The transformation didn’t happen overnight. It happened in small moments, not Instagram-worthy, just me doing the work. I worked on all areas of my life and my businesses. Each of these moments was a choice. A choice to believe that my worth wasn’t conditional. That I didn’t need anyone’s permission- not a client’s, not a partner’s, not the algorithm’s- to be valuable.

I stopped asking ‘Am I enough?’ and started declaring, ‘I am enough’.

There’s a massive difference between those two statements. One is a question that keeps you stuck in questioning mode and the other sets you free!

What I Know Now About Self-Worth Now

After 15 years in business and several relationships that reshaped my heart, here’s what I know for certain:

Your self-worth isn’t something you build. It’s something you uncover.

You were born worthy. Completely, unquestionably worthy. Then life happened, and it happens. Some days you will question it, but that’s a temporary state. People projected their limitations onto you. Society gave you a measuring stick that was designed to make you feel you don’t match up to someone else or you’re not doing enough. A lot of us learn to see ourselves through other people’s eyes instead of our own.

And now? Your job isn’t to create worth. It’s to remember what was always true.

The way you see yourself determines everything.

Not in some woo-woo manifestation way. In a practical, this-is-how-reality-works way. When I started seeing myself as valuable, I stopped tolerating anyone who didn’t respect my boundaries. I attracted better opportunities because I was no longer energetically desperate.

When I started seeing myself as worthy of love, I stopped settling for breadcrumbs. I stopped over-functioning in relationships. I became the kind of partner I wanted to attract because I was finally being authentic instead of performing.

You can’t outsource your self-worth.

Not to your business metrics. Not to your relationship status. Not to your follower count or your dress size or how much you own.

Those things might feel good temporarily. But if your foundation is shaky, no amount of external validation will ever be enough. I spent years trying to build my worth through achievement. What I know now is that achievement is so much sweeter when it comes from a place of already knowing you’re worthy!

I Want You To Practice Seeing Yourself Clearly

So how do you do this? How do you rebuild your relationship with yourself after years of conditional worth?

Here’s what worked for me:

I stopped measuring myself against anyone. No more ranking myself against other coaches, other women, other versions of myself.

I questioned the voice. That inner critic that says you’re not enough? That’s not your voice. It’s a collection of every limiting belief you’ve ever absorbed. You don’t have to believe it.

I practiced self-compassion like my life depended on it. Because honestly, it did. Every time I even thought about talking crap about myself, I paused and asked: ‘What would I say to a friend right now?’

I made decisions from worthiness, not worthlessness. Before saying yes to anything- a client, a date, an opportunity, I’d check in: Am I doing this from fear of not being enough? Or from knowing I’m already whole?

I surrounded myself with people who reflected my truth back to me. Not people who flattered me, but people who saw my worth even when I couldn’t.

If you’re reading this and recognising yourself, if you’ve been measuring your worth by external standards, if you’ve been waiting for someone or something to make you feel valuable, I want you to know:

You don’t have to wait anymore! Your worth isn’t hiding at the end of some achievement. It’s not waiting for you on the other side of a relationship. It’s not based on having it all together!

You are worthy right now. In this moment. Exactly as you are.

The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation for everything else in your life. When you see yourself clearly, with compassion, with respect, with love- everything shifts.

It took me years to learn this. But you can start today.

Want support on your self-worth journey? Let’s have a conversation- book a free discovery call and see if coaching is right for you.