From my blog
Your body isn’t the problem; the way you learnt to see it is!
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By Tamara Kramer | Life Coach
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Reading time: 6 minutes
I have been thinking about the mirror a lot lately. Not in a vain way. In an honest way. Because I have spent years watching women stand in front of one. And I know what I see. I see the breath that gets held. The eyes that go straight to the parts they do not like. The way the whole body shifts before the reflection even has a chance to settle.
A mirror is just glass. But for most women I have worked with, it is so much more than that. It is where the inner critic lives. It is where the morning can turn before it has even started.
I do not think this gets talked about honestly enough. Not in a way that actually reaches people. So I want to try here. Not with a pep talk. Not with a list of affirmations that feel hollow when you are standing there in bad lighting after a hard week. Just with some honest reflection and some questions worth sitting with. Because what I am interested in is not what you see in the mirror. It is what you have been taught to see. And those are very different things.
Where Does It Start?
I find myself coming back to this question a lot, with myself and with the women I work with. Where did you first learn that your body was a problem? It is rarely one big moment. More often it is small things that got absorbed quietly. A comment in a changing room. A look from someone who did not even realise they were doing it. The absence of someone saying you were fine just as you were.
We do not always remember the exact moment. But somewhere along the way, many of us stopped seeing our bodies as something that carries us through life and started seeing them as something to be fixed before life could really begin.
That is a heavy thing to carry. And most of us have been carrying it for a very long time.
What I Noticed in the Studio
My dance studio in Central London had a whole wall of mirror. Floor to ceiling. You could not avoid your reflection in there. I used to think the mirror would be motivating. That women would look at themselves moving and feel something good. Sometimes they did. But more often, I watched something else happen. I watched women shrink. Not their bodies. Their presence. The way they took up space in the room would get smaller the moment they caught their own eye. Some would position themselves so they were slightly hidden behind someone else. Others would look everywhere except straight ahead.
I have seen women fight their own reflection harder than any workout I have ever put them through. And that stayed with me. Because those same women were strong. They were showing up. They were doing the work. But the harshest voice in the room was always their own, directed at themselves.
That is not a character flaw. That is something that was learned. And anything that was learned can, with time and with intention, be unlearned.
The Thing About Shame
I want to say something plainly here, because I think it needs to be said. Hating yourself has never led to lasting change. Not once.
I know that might be uncomfortable to read. Because so many of us were taught, in one way or another, that we have to feel bad enough before we deserve to feel better. That shame is what drives transformation. I believed that for a long time too. But when I look back honestly, all the times I was most critical of my body, I was also the most exhausted, the most stuck, and the least capable of making good decisions for myself. The criticism did not push me forward. It kept me small.
The framework that change comes from shame is one of the most damaging things we have collectively accepted without questioning. And I think it is worth questioning it, really sitting with it, because on the other side of that question is something much more useful.
A Different Relationship Is Possible
In all the years I have worked with women, there is one thing I keep coming back to. The body is not the problem. The relationship with the body is.
Most of us were only ever given one story about our bodies. Fix it. Shape it. Control it. Manage it. And if you cannot do those things, feel guilty about it. But there is another story. One that feels very different to live in. Respect it. Listen to it. Trust it. Nourish it. I am not talking about giving up on yourself or pretending you do not want things to feel different. I am talking about approaching your body the way you would approach any relationship that matters. With some patience. With some honesty. Without cruelty.
You do not have to love every part of yourself today. That is not a realistic ask and I would not make it. But not bullying your own reflection is a choice that is available to you right now, before anything else changes.
Starting Small
The place I always suggest starting is not a plan or a programme. It is just noticing. Noticing when you hold your breath in front of the mirror. Noticing when you catch yourself thinking something you would never say to another person. Noticing the ways you quietly put your own life on hold, waiting to feel ready, waiting to look different, waiting for some future version of yourself to give you permission to begin.
That last one is the one I think about most. How many things have you delayed, not because you were not capable, but because you decided you had to earn them first? Rest. Pleasure. Taking up space. Wearing the thing. Booking the trip. Saying yes to something that excites you. Your body does not need to change for those things to be available to you. They are already yours.
You Do Not Have to Work This Out Alone
If you have read this far and you are thinking you do not know where to go from here, that is okay. That is actually a good place to be, because it means something in here has landed. This kind of work is not something you rush through. It is not a one-time realisation. It is a slow, honest, ongoing relationship with yourself. Some days it is easier than others. Some days you will be unkind to yourself and that is part of it too. What matters is that you keep coming back. That you stay curious rather than cruel.
You do not have to earn the right to feel whole. You do not have to wait until you look a certain way to start living the life you actually want. Your body has carried you to this moment. That is worth something. Maybe start there.
If this resonated with you, share it with a woman in your life who needs to hear that her body is not a problem to solve. And if you need support with the relationship with your body, I would love to talk.
Why do I struggle with body image even when I know I should love myself?
Body image struggles are often rooted in early learned behaviours, comments, and cultural messages that taught you your body was a problem to fix. Knowing you should feel differently is not the same as having the tools to actually shift that relationship.
Does shame or self-criticism actually motivate change?
Lived experience and research both show that shame is not a sustainable motivator for lasting change. It drains confidence and decision-making rather than building the foundation needed for real transformation.
Where do I start if I want to improve my relationship with my body?
Start with noticing. Pay attention to the moments you hold your breath in front of the mirror, when your thoughts spiral into judgment, and when you catch yourself postponing your life until you look or feel different. Awareness is the first and most honest step.
Tamara Kramer is a certified life coach trained by Tony Robbins, a Level 3 personal trainer, and a former professional dancer and dance studio owner based in Central London. Originally from Spain, she has built and rebuilt multiple businesses across continents and coaches women to step into their worth, reclaim their identity, and choose themselves — unapologetically.