We’ve all heard it before—“But they didn’t mean it,” or “That’s just how they are.” Excuses can be the band-aids that cover deeper wounds in a relationship, especially when toxic behaviours are in play. The tricky part is recognising them, especially when your partner seems to justify their actions. Let’s talk about five common toxic behaviours that, no matter how many excuses are given, should never be accepted.
1. Emotional Manipulation
You know that moment when you express your feelings and suddenly the conversation flips back to their problems? That’s emotional manipulation. It’s when your partner consistently makes everything about them, leaving you feeling guilty for even bringing up your concerns. They might say, “I’ve just had a rough day,” or “You know I’m stressed right now,” as a way to deflect the conversation. Don’t be fooled—your emotions matter too.
What to watch out for:
– Guilt-tripping you into thinking you’re overreacting.
– Shifting blame or changing the subject when you call out their behaviour.
2. Constant Criticism Disguised as ‘Tough Love’
There’s constructive criticism, and then there’s just plain criticism that chips away at your self-worth. If they’re constantly making remarks about how you dress, act, or even what you like, this isn’t tough love. It’s a form of control. They might say, “I’m just trying to help you improve,” or “You’d look so much better if…” It’s a toxic way of undermining your confidence.
What to watch out for:
– Frequent ‘jokes’ or sarcastic comments about your appearance or abilities.
– Backhanded compliments that leave you feeling confused or insecure.
3. Lack of Accountability
We all make mistakes, but a partner who can never admit they’re wrong is a red flag. Whether it’s forgetting important dates or hurting your feelings, if they’re constantly shifting the blame to you or external factors (“You’re being too sensitive” or “It’s not my fault work has been crazy”), they’re avoiding responsibility. Without accountability, a relationship lacks the foundation of trust and growth.
What to watch out for:
– Refusing to apologise or giving half-hearted apologies.
– Minimising the impact of their actions, making you doubt your own feelings.
4. Jealousy Masked as ‘Caring’
At first, it might feel flattering—someone so invested in you that they’re a bit jealous. But when that jealousy turns into controlling behaviour, it’s no longer love, it’s toxicity. They might say, “I just care about you too much” or “I don’t trust them, not you,” but controlling who you talk to, where you go, or what you wear isn’t protective—it’s possessive.
What to watch out for:
– Constantly questioning your whereabouts or who you’re with.
– Isolating you from friends or family, saying they don’t ‘get’ your relationship.
5. Stonewalling and Silent Treatment
Everyone needs space sometimes, but when your partner shuts down and refuses to communicate, it’s a form of emotional punishment. Whether they ignore you for hours, days, or even weeks, it leaves you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells. They might say, “I just need time to think,” but if this becomes a pattern, it’s about control, not reflection.
What to watch out for:
– Using silence as a way to avoid conflict or manipulate the situation.
– Refusing to engage in discussions about your relationship or feelings.
Excuses can be comforting in the moment, but long-term they allow toxic behaviours to flourish. Healthy relationships thrive on respect, open communication, and mutual accountability. If you recognise any of these signs in your relationship, it’s time to pause, reflect, and set boundaries. Excuses might smooth over a problem temporarily, but they can’t heal the damage caused by toxic behaviour.
Remember, love shouldn’t hurt, control, or make you feel less than. You deserve a relationship that lifts you up, not weighs you down.