From my blog
Stop Waiting For Permission: Why Choosing Yourself Is the Most Powerful Thing You’ll Ever Do
-
By Tamara Kramer | Life Coach
-
Reading time: 7 minutes
Who are you when no one is watching?
I’m talking about the real- the one underneath the armour. So many women come to me in their performing, proving, or protective version of themselves.
And I know that version well because as a woman who has built businesses, moved across countries, trained bodies, taught dance, and picked herself up from real heartbreak more times than I can count, I know that most of us are living a life that belongs to someone else’s idea of who we should be.
And we are exhausted from it. It’s exhausting isn’t it?
Your Worth Is Not Something You Earn.
I grew up with a lot of fire in me. I left Spain and built a life in London- a big life with Studio 68 London, my other businesses, teaching, training, coaching and all of that. From the outside, it looked like I had everything together.
But I was doing what so many women do- I was confusing being busy with being worthy.
I thought if I achieved enough, helped enough, gave enough, then maybe I would finally feel like enough.
Sound familiar?
I had to learn the hard way about my self-worth and where I was placing it and how I was measuring it. My worth was not a destination and neither is yours. It is not waiting for you at the end of the next goal, the next relationship, the next version of yourself. Your worth is your starting point.
When you finally understand this, and I mean really feel it in your body, not just think it in your head, everything changes. Your business, your relationships change and the way you wake up in the morning change.
The Word “Selfish” Is Not the Problem You Think It Is
Now, I know that the word ‘selfish’ has been used against women like a weapon. “Don’t be so selfish.” “You only think about yourself.” We hear it when we say no, when we take up space. And we hear it more when we choose our own needs for once. But what if selfish just meant self-honouring?
What if choosing yourself, your rest, your truth, your peace, was not a character flaw but an act of deep integrity?
I have seen it happen over and over, in my own life and in the lives of women I coach. When you stop shrinking yourself to make others comfortable, when you stop outsourcing your permission to other people, you do not become less loveable. You become more magnetic. More clear. More real.
The Woman Who Over-Functions Always Pays a Price
I was her. The one who wears the smile, runs the room, leads the team, and dances through the pain.
I mean that literally: I was teaching dance while falling apart inside, performing for a room full of people while privately questioning everything.
I was admired for my strength. But no one saw what it was costing me. There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with being “the strong one.” You become so good at holding everything together that people stop asking if you are okay. They assume you always are.
If any part of you recognises this, I am talking directly to you.
Over-functioning is not a personality type. It is a coping mechanism. It is what we do when we have learned, somewhere along the way, that our value lives in what we do for others rather than in who we simply are.
And it takes real courage to unlearn it.
What Happens When You Actually Choose Yourself
Imagine this.
You wake up tomorrow and you do not immediately reach for your phone to check what everyone else needs from you. Instead, you make a decision a real one, from your gut, from your truth, and you know it is enough. No apology. No long explanation. No guilt spiral.
That is what life feels like when you stop performing and start living.
I am not going to pretend it is easy. When I started choosing myself, really choosing myself, not just saying the words, some relationships did not survive it. Some people were not happy about it. And that hurt.
But here is what I know now: the relationships that fell away were the ones that needed me small. The ones that stayed? They got deeper and more honest than anything I had before.
Your healing is not just about you. The ripple effect of one woman stepping into her worth is massive. Your family notices. Your team shifts. Your whole energy changes.
The Reset Practice: A Letter From Your Future Self
I want to give you something practical. Not a ten-step system. Not a complicated method.
Just this.
Take your journal, or even your notes app, and write a letter to yourself. But not from the woman you are today. From the woman you are becoming. The one who already stands in her worth. The one who chooses herself without apology, every single time.
Let her speak.
Ask her:
What does she want you to know right now?
What is she proud of you for?
What is she no longer available for?
Do not force it. Do not edit it. Just let it come. Because here is the thing, that woman is not some far-off future version of you. She is already in you. She is just waiting for you to stop burying her under everyone else’s needs.
You Are Not Too Late. You Are Not Too Much. You Are Not Too Broken.
I have had businesses fail. I have had love stories end badly. I have had my body give out on me when I pushed it too far. I have had moments where I genuinely did not know who I was anymore outside of all my roles and titles.
And I want you to hear this from someone who has actually been there:
You are not selfish for choosing yourself. And you are not too late to reset.
Give yourself the permission and say it- this is my reset and I’m ready for it.
If this landed with you, share it with a woman in your life who needs to hear it. And if you are ready to do this work, really do it- I would love to have that conversation with you.
What does it mean to choose yourself as a woman?
Choosing yourself means honouring your own needs, truth, and worth without waiting for permission from others. It is not selfishness, it is self-integrity.
How do I stop over-functioning and start living for myself?
Start by recognising that your value is not in what you do for others. Practise making decisions from your own truth, set boundaries without over-explaining, and use reflective tools like journalling to reconnect with who you are beneath your roles.
Is it selfish to put yourself first?
No. Prioritising yourself is an act of self-respect that also benefits the people around you. When you operate from a full cup rather than an empty one, your relationships, work, and wellbeing all improve.
Tamara Kramer is a certified life coach trained by Tony Robbins, a Level 3 personal trainer, and a former professional dancer and dance studio owner based in Central London. Originally from Spain, she has built and rebuilt multiple businesses across continents and coaches women to step into their worth, reclaim their identity, and choose themselves — unapologetically.